米蘭昆德拉的不朽――生命的輕重

我總是覺得我很沈重。或許因為我對一切都太過嚴肅了,句子裡的詞語,聲音的型態,身體的擺動,顏色的褶皺......好像這樣能讓我更了解生命嗎。我讀米蘭昆德拉時很感動看到還有人如此認真地思考微不足道的事,「不朽」這本書就是以一個女人揮手的姿勢開始的。

沈重。我並不是在談我的生活,生活對我一直都不錯。我生在一個很好的家庭,這指的是,我的父母給了我很多愛,很多的理解,很多的包容,和他們能給我的所有的一切。我的朋友,老師也幾乎無一例外是很好的人,甚至陌生人大多時候也是善意的。我生活得很輕鬆。

我常常感到我的靈魂是沈重的。我曾思考這是否是一種無病呻吟,像羅昆丁所說,他沒有煩惱,他不必工作就有錢,沒有上司,沒有老婆,沒有孩子,所有煩惱的只是他的存在。「如此而已,但這煩惱卻如此無邊無際,如此飄渺,令我自己都覺得可恥。」我也為我所感受到的重量覺得可恥。但要如何去衡量靈魂上的負擔呢,憑什麼說我的靈魂重量不如無產階級的、殺人犯的、自殺的哲學家的呢。

人們為了緩解這種羞恥,常常去原生家庭,社會問題裡找一個重量產生的原因。但要我說,這個東西沒什麼道理或邏輯,在一個早晨你忽然感受到這個重量,從此再也擺脫不掉了。這個重量發生在每一個人身上。

總之,為了要平衡這種沈重,我一直在尋找一些「輕盈」的,有時候也可以說是「輕浮」的東西。『不朽』裡的保羅說「輕浮是一種根本性的減肥療法。各種東西將失去百分之九十的意義而變得輕飄飄的。在這種稀薄的大氣中,狂熱消失了。戰爭將變得沒有可能。」這是一個多麼美妙的想法。但回過神之後,我對保羅的話產生了相當強烈的憤怒。因為狂熱是必要的,這是一種對於生命必要的力量。所有偉大的作品都是悲劇(在我的觀點裡,除了『傲慢與偏見』)。


不過,我還是需要尋找一些認真而嚴肅的「輕盈」,這能讓我生活得不那麼辛苦。

酒精讓我感到迷戀,它讓我覺得生命並不是非嚴肅不可。而酒神所創造的混沌和瘋狂是厚重而美妙的,這似乎相互矛盾,我還沒來得及想清楚這個問題。吸菸的動作讓我意識到呼吸的輕盈,我的臉部肌肉和腦神經得以放鬆,但其代價是讓我的肺和軀體更加沈重了。「輕盈」,我也並不僅僅是在指這些生活上的陋習。我對瘋狂的人著迷,對圖像的起伏著迷,對運動,皮膚出於力量穿過空氣著迷,雲朵海浪風,朋克,無政府主義者,那些大喊著「去他媽的」的一切東西。

我希望創造出有理由的混亂――「有理由」指的是一種秩序,這樣解釋或許更清晰,但我厭惡秩序這個詞,我喜歡一切是無秩序的。這種「有理由」是由美來決定的,並且它在時間中變幻、遊走,因此也稱不上是一種秩序。.......

我剛剛意識到,以這種形式寫作對我來說十分重要,在寫不下去的時候我就停在這裡,而不一定非要寫一個拖沓的結尾,這保證了文章裡的每一句話都是我認為有必要的,有意義的。





Es Muss Sein & The Lightness of Being 
Thoughts after reading Immortality by Milan Kundera 

I’ve always felt that I’m heavy, I feel the weight on my body and in my soul. Perhaps it is because I’m too serious about everything, the words in a sentence, the shape of a sound, the structure of a movement, the fold of a color…… As if that would help me understand life better. When I read Milan Kundera, I was touched to see someone else thinking so seriously about the smallest of things. The book Immortality begins with a gesture of a woman waving her hand. 

Heavy, I am not talking about my life, which has always been good to me. I was born into a nice family, my parents gave me a lot of love, a lot of understanding, a lot of acceptance, and all that they could give me. My friends and my teachers are mostly very nice people. I am living an easy life. 

I often feel that my soul is heavy. I have to wonder, why one is suffering when one is not subjected to any suffering at all. Roquentin wrote in his diary: “I have no trouble, I have money like a capitalist, no boss, no wife, no children; I exist, that’s all. And that trouble is so vague, so metaphysical that I am ashamed of it.” Just like him, I am ashamed of the weight that I feel. But how can one measure the weight of the soul, why should my soul be accused of weighing less than that of a proletarian, a murderer, or a suicidal philosopher? 

To alleviate this shame, people often look to their family of origin, to social problems, to religions, to find an excuse for the weight. But I would say that there is no justification or logic to it. This weight just comes to you one morning, and you can’t escape from it anymore. And this weight is in everyone. The difference is just whether or not you feel it, and whether or not you can bear it. 


Anyway, to balance out the weight, I've been looking for things that are “light", or sometimes “frivolous". Paul in Immortality says: “Frivolity is a radical diet for weight-reduction. Things will lose ninety percent of their meaning and will become light. In such a weightless environment fanaticism will disappear. War will become impossible.” What a beautiful concept. But when I came to my senses, I felt furious with Paul’s words. Because fanaticism is vital, it is urgent for life. All great works are tragedies (except, Pride and Prejudice, in my opinion). 

Still, I need the lightness, which is not too frivolous but allow me to be less strenuous. Alcohol intoxicates me, it makes me feel that life doesn't have to be so serious. The chaos and vitality that is freed by Dionysus are decent. The act of smoking allows me to be aware of the lightness of breathing and allows my muscles and nerves to loosen up but at the cost of making my lungs and body heavier. I am also fascinated by lunatics, the flow of motion, the touch of the air, cloud, wave, breeze, punk, anarchists, and everything that makes the world a little lighter by shouting or calmly murmuring "fuck it”. 





2024.