Es Muss Sein & The Lightness of Being
Thoughts after reading Immortality by Milan Kundera
I’ve always felt that I’m heavy, I feel the weight on my body and in my soul. Perhaps it is because I’m too serious about everything, the words in a sentence, the shape of a sound, the structure of a movement, the fold of a color…… As if that would help me understand life better. When I read Milan Kundera, I was touched to see someone else thinking so seriously about the smallest of things. The book Immortality begins with a gesture of a woman waving her hand.
Heavy, I am not talking about my life, which has always been good to me. I was born into a nice family, my parents gave me a lot of love, a lot of understanding, a lot of acceptance, and all that they could give me. My friends and my teachers are mostly very nice people. I am living an easy life.
I often feel that my soul is heavy. I have to wonder, why one is suffering when one is not subjected to any suffering at all. Roquentin wrote in his diary: “I have no trouble, I have money like a capitalist, no boss, no wife, no children; I exist, that’s all. And that trouble is so vague, so metaphysical that I am ashamed of it.” Just like him, I am ashamed of the weight that I feel. But how can one measure the weight of the soul, why should my soul be accused of weighing less than that of a proletarian, a murderer, or a suicidal philosopher?
To alleviate this shame, people often look to their family of origin, to social problems, to religions, to find an excuse for the weight. But I would say that there is no justification or logic to it. This weight just comes to you one morning, and you can’t escape from it anymore. And this weight is in everyone. The difference is just whether or not you feel it, and whether or not you can bear it.
Anyway, to balance out the weight, I've been looking for things that are “light", or sometimes “frivolous". Paul in Immortality says: “Frivolity is a radical diet for weight-reduction. Things will lose ninety percent of their meaning and will become light. In such a weightless environment fanaticism will disappear. War will become impossible.” What a beautiful concept. But when I came to my senses, I felt furious with Paul’s words. Because fanaticism is vital, it is urgent for life. All great works are tragedies (except, Pride and Prejudice, in my opinion).
Still, I need the lightness, which is not too frivolous but allow me to be less strenuous. Alcohol intoxicates me, it makes me feel that life doesn't have to be so serious. The chaos and vitality that is freed by Dionysus are decent. The act of smoking allows me to be aware of the lightness of breathing and allows my muscles and nerves to loosen up but at the cost of making my lungs and body heavier. I am also fascinated by lunatics, the flow of motion, the touch of the air, cloud, wave, breeze, punk, anarchists, and everything that makes the world a little lighter by shouting or calmly murmuring "fuck it”.