我把自己剖開來跟你談了，裡面的一切都是我最誠摯的思考。其中融不下優美的辭藻和客觀謹慎的敘述，所以我請求讀者不要批判地分析這篇文章，就當作是朋友那樣地與它聊天吧。請寬容，如果這裡說了不恰當的內容。 ¹

我想先從我的名字開始。我叫廖玉成。

其實我並不在乎被怎樣稱呼，我認為名字只是一個代號。從小到大，我的代號有十來個，這其中包括了親密的稱呼（成兒），或者惡作劇的稱呼（麼麼，初中朋友說我長得像一個遊戲裡的鼴鼠角色，因此給了我這個鼴鼠的名字），或者公司裡表示階層的稱呼（小廖），或者沒來由地，我爸媽對我的稱呼（廖成成兒）...... 名字的拼音Yucheng Liao也只是其中的一個代號，並不意味著什麼。有一些人認為應該把姓的拼音放在前面，例如，Liao Yucheng，以便讓西方適應中國的習慣和傳統，但我想既然這個名字已經被去除漢字的意義，又被扭曲了發音，顯然不再是名字本身了，我並不介意更多的扭曲。另外，我也挺喜歡把名字放在前面來強調個人而非家庭的這個概念。

如果非要說的話，我認為我只有「廖玉成」這個名字，我和她²產生聯結是不久前的事情。我最近才意識到我和這個名字越長越像了。「玉成」源於宋代哲學家張載的「玉汝於成」³。「玉」即一種石頭，「成」即成功，這句話的意思是，經過打磨雕琢後的玉石能成功*。這裡的成功不是世俗意義上的成功：發財或擁有權力，我的理解是這裡的「成」更接近「完成」，做到盡可能圓滿的自己。

「廖」，這是一個不太常見的姓，我喜歡她這個特質：不會老是在大街上看到她，也不至於太稀少而引人注意。我最近讀一本書法理論，了解到人們愛王羲之的字，是因為他達到了中國哲學所崇尚的「中和」，我認為我爸媽給我的這個名字就是一個相當中和的名字。她有一種石頭的氣質。其實我也想像風一樣飄逸，或者火一樣熱烈，但我和這名字一樣越來越像一個石頭。這沒有辦法，也並沒有什麼不好，只是我現在還在學習如何與我深處的對於瘋狂、混亂以及飄飄然的渴望安然地相處。

喔對了，這名字還有一個諧音，我爸姓廖，我媽姓陳，諧音來講就是「廖遇陳」，我覺得相當可愛。

「廖」的姓氏在很早期（兩晉南北朝）越過長江，主要分佈在中國南部，她以一個很不起眼的姿態表示著我是從南方來的孩子。「南方」對我來說不是一個區分人的概念，而只是意味著潮濕的空氣和炙熱的太陽，我在這樣的浸泡中成長，如果不是這樣，也許我就不能做馬爾克斯文字裡那樣的夢。

Yucheng Liao 脫離漢字之後就喪失了上述所有的意義，並且不好讀。於是我取了一個簡單的英文名Nicole。

名字不能夠代表一個人的全部，這應該是一個很顯然的事情。但大家每天叫著叫著，無意識地就會用名字去代表這個人。因此我想取一個沒有太多性質的代號。當人們提起她，可能會想到我，也可能想到別的什麼，沒有過於明顯的指向，我想，這樣她就不會困住我這個人。我在剛開始學法語的時候取了這個法語英文都能用的名字，這一定程度上模糊了語言的界線。我喜歡cole的發音，她是笨拙的，有一點像石頭。德勒茲在談戈達爾的一篇文章裡提到法語裡et（和）和est（是）兩個詞發音的相似，造成一種語義上的搖擺不定，他稱其為「創造性的結巴」，Nicole讀起來也有一種舌頭不知道往哪裡放的模糊感覺。另外，有一些朋友叫我Nic，這也抹去了性別的性質。

I’ve torn myself open to talk to you, and everything in it is my most sincere thoughts. There is no room for elegant phrases, nor judicious narrative. So I humbly ask the reader not to criticize this essay, but to talk to it as if it’s a friend. This essay i s one in a series of my thought fragments 1 that I started working on recently, I have yet to work out how to connect them, so I'm labeling them with Roman numeral for now. This part may be a bit rambling about my background, but I don’t meant to be only talking about myself, it is necessary to include the context, and from there, the thoughts could grow out of it. ¹

I’d like to start with my name, 廖⽟成 (Liào Yùchéng). I don’t really mind what I’m called, a name is just a code to me. Growing up, I’ve been called a dozen different code. Including one shows intimacy: 成兒 (Chenger); a funny one: 麼麼 (Momo), a friend from my junior high gave this name for me because he said I looked like a mole character in a game; a classist name which is often used in a work place: ⼩廖 (Little Liao); or for no reason at all, my parents call me: 廖成成兒（Liao Chengchenger）. The pinyin of my name Yucheng Liao is just another code, it doesn’t mean anything. There are some who think that the pinyin of the surname should be put in front, e.g. Liao Yucheng, to have the West to adapt to Chinese traditions, but I think that since the name has already been stripped of the meaning of the Chinese characters and distorted in its pronunciation, they are already not the names themselves, so I don’t mind some transformation, in addition, I like the fact that putting one’s given name in the front showing the importance of individual. 

If I have to say what is my name, I think there is only one and that is 廖⽟成, with Chinese characters and a decent pronunciation. It wasn't that long ago that I started to feel connection with her². I realized recently that I've grown to closely resemble this name.  “⽟成” is taken from the philosopher Zhang Zai's Xi Ming (Song Dynasty): “⽟汝於成”³. “⽟” (Yù), Jade, a kind of stone; “成” (Chéng), meaning complete and accomplish, in my understanding, “成” used here is closer to “完成” (fulfillment), the phrase is to say, a work of jade can be accomplished when it has been carved and polished. When it became to be a metaphor of a person, it carries with the hope that the person will achieve the fullest fulfillment of oneself. “廖” (Liào) is not a common family name, I like this quality of hers: you don't see this name everywhere, but at the same time, she's not too rare to be mentioned. 

I recently read a book on calligraphy and learned that people love the work of Wang Xizhi is because he achieved the “中和” (harmony) that Chinese philosophy values, and I think the name my parents gave me has certain quality like that, not too heavy nor too light, it’s not gorgeous but beautiful in a very humble way. 

Although I want to be as aloof as the wind, and as wild as the fire, I’m becoming more and more like a stone just like the name. It has to be, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just that I'm still learning how to be at peace with my deep cravings for being lunacy, disorder, and free. Oh, and there is a homophonic meaning in my name, which is “廖” (Liào) “遇” (Yù) “陳” (Chén), meaning I'm the result of my dad meeting my mom, and I think it’s quite cute. The surname “廖” crossed the Yangtze River at a very early stage (the Wei, Jin and Northern and Southern dynasties), and was mainly spread in the south of China. The surname is an insignificant gesture to indicate that I am a child from the south. "South" to me is not a concept that distinguishes people, but simply refers to humid air and boiling sun, in which I grew up, and if it were not so, perhaps I could not have dreamed the dreams in Gabriel García Márquez's words. 

Yucheng Liao loses all the meaning of the above when it is separated from the Chinese characters, so I gave myself a simple name when I moved to an English speaking country, Nicole.